How well do you really know yourself? If you were to check yourself out in the mirror, I’m sure you would recognize yourself, and if you don’t…that’s okay I’ve been there, but that’s a discussion for another day. How well do you know the person who’s reflected back to you? Do you know what you are passionate about? What do you find meaningful? What do you LOVE to do? What are your beliefs–empowering and limiting? What were you put on this earth to do? And what are the emotions you feel most of the time? If you can answer these questions easily and effortlessly, congratulations…you know some shit about yourself. If you can’t, no worries, that’s what I’m here to be a catalyst for. Who is I? I is you, and you is me. Okay, okay, that’s also a discussion for another day. Today I want to talk about self-awareness, but before I get into it, a little background about myself so you aren’t wondering who the hell I am and why you should listen to anything I have to say.
I hail from the Beardy’s & Okemasis First Nation and grew up in Saskatoon. Yup. Urban Indigenous who only went to the rez to visit growing up. As a child, I didn’t realize we lived in poverty but my dad brought it to my awareness as I got older. My father’s side is Nehiyaw(Cree), my Kohkom(grandmother) was Nehiyaw and possibly some Irish, and my Capan(great-grandmother) was a full-blooded Cree woman from the Grandmother’s Bay area. Unfortunately I never got to meet or know either of them. My mother’s side is Metis from the St. Louis area(grandmother) and Red River area in Manitoba.(grandfather). Apparently I had about 6 relatives fight in the Resistance–I am always learning what I can about my ancestry without having to use that ancestry.com thingy. There’s no way I am sending my DNA off to some laboratory so they can clone me, one of me is enough and I shall consciously spare the world of that happening. You’re welcome! Aye. Anyway, I have 4 brothers, 2 same mom and dad, 1 same mom, and 1 same dad. I also have about 8 soul sisters who have been amazing supports throughout my life. Up until I was 9 years old, I grew up in a violent, abusive, and chaotic household. There was partying, yelling, hitting, fighting, my mom was in and out of jail a lot, and we moved a lot. To keep it short, we eventually ended up living with my dad who married a non-Indigenous woman on the other side of the city. The East side, where no “poor” Westsider’s like me had ever been. That whole experience lasted about 7 years and was kind of a shit show… and again, a discussion for another day. I have been living on my own since I was 17 years old. I struggled with alcohol and drug use for several years, I dabbled with gang activity, I had extreme anxiety and panic attacks often, and many bouts of deep depression and thoughts of suicide during my 20’s. I experienced sexual assault and pulled myself out of a few mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually oppressive and abusive relationships. Somehow, I managed to birth a beautiful baby girl when I was 22 and obtain my Bachelor of Education degree through many of my struggles.
About 10 years ago, I hit a rock bottom. Again. Rock bottom seemed to be the place I gravitated to, forever learning hard ass lessons. Nonetheless, starting over was most likely an unconscious cycle and how I built resilience. I was pregnant for the second time, excited, happy, hopeful, and then one day I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I had what is called a “missed miscarriage.” I went for my 16 week ultrasound and was told I miscarried 8 weeks earlier. I felt something was off before my appointment but just assumed it was morning sickness. My belly was still growing and I didn’t think anything was wrong. I had to have pills inserted into my body to extract the pregnancy and basically wait for it to process out. I opted for the more “natural” way because I had anxiety about getting put to sleep for the other procedure. I won’t lie, the following days were brutal. I was in pain. I had high anxiety, high hormone levels, and I became obsessive about checking for pieces of my pregnancy every time I used the washroom. I ended up at the doctor again because I had an infection in my uterus and was put on more pills. I wanted to do something that felt “normal” and so I was on my way to a football game to meet a friend and while I was waiting to turn left, I was smoked by a mini van going 50km an hour and my car flew into the oncoming lane. The whole back of my car was smashed into a v shape. Everything was blurry. I remember a woman come to the window and then the ambulance and firetrucks there. I remember having to get removed from my car because my seat was almost in a laying position. I thankfully and gratefully only ended up with whiplash and horrible back pain. I spent the following 9 months in physiotherapy, being depressed, having panic attacks, curled in a ball crying pretty much everyday and feeling completely disconnected to this world. And that ‘s when I finally decided to try something different. I decided to look at myself instead of all of the external things happening. It was the first step to my self-awareness and healing journey. Fast forward 10+ years later and I have been able to cultivate a peace in my life I have never known, I have retrained my brain, I have let go of limiting beliefs, forgiven myself and others, healed traumas from this lifetime and inter-generationally, and completely change my perception about the life I want to create. I became a Master coach–but go by Intuitive Coach and facilitator working with women specifically on accessing their personal power through self-awareness and healing.
Now that you know a little bit about me, hopefully you feel better about this empowerment space. Judgement free. Compassion filled. Empathy driven. Intentional. Guided by all of our light. And love for all.
What does my story have to do with self-awareness? Here it is. Have you ever thought about what you want? I never even thought about this question until a friend asked me years ago. I didn’t really have an answer. I was too busy surviving all the time and didn’t think about what I truly wanted out of life. Everyday was get up and survive. Go to sleep. Get up and survive. Straight up survival mode. How about you? The thing is, how can we know what we want if we don’t even know anything about ourselves. A lot of the time what happens is we pick up other peoples perceptions about things, other peoples beliefs about the world and ourselves and just live accordingly. I couldn’t answer the questions in the first paragraph 10 years ago, not even close. But I sure can now. What about you? If you can give yourself a few minutes to go over some of the questions, go for it. If you don’t need to, awesome. The first step to becoming empowered by being more self-aware is knowing what makes you tick, understanding your needs/desires, knowing your strengths and weaknesses and being able to assess your emotions.
When you KNOW who you truly are–then your light shines bright naturally.
Remember–there is no better guide in your life than the light you have within.
How do I know? I’m Living Proof.
Love to all.